Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
2
More funny Stuff
Started by [AoL]Wanker2000, Mar 04 2004 01:31 PM
1024 replies to this topic
#2
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Posted 04 March 2004 - 01:35 PM
These might offen people, I was not a fan of all of them but some are funny.
One Liners!
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why does a man have a hole in his penis? To get some air to his brain.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm? From the snoring.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.
What does parsley and pubic hair have in common? You push it aside and keep on eating!
What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends...
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
What two words will clear out a men's restroom? "Nice Dick!"
What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.
How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count? His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!
What's the definition of indefinitely? When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in,....definitely!
What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as substitute for meat.
Why is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common? They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
One Liners!
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why does a man have a hole in his penis? To get some air to his brain.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm? From the snoring.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.
What does parsley and pubic hair have in common? You push it aside and keep on eating!
What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends...
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
What two words will clear out a men's restroom? "Nice Dick!"
What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.
How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count? His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!
What's the definition of indefinitely? When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in,....definitely!
What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as substitute for meat.
Why is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common? They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
#3
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Llama Lover
Posted 04 March 2004 - 01:58 PM
hahhah some of those are really great. It took me a few seconds to get that last one.... hmmmmm why wouldnt it be hard to find a blind man in a nudist colony??
#4
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Posted 04 March 2004 - 02:02 PM
I like dirt bag one and the 4 stop signs.
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Posted 04 March 2004 - 02:10 PM
Wanker2000, on Mar 4 2004, 02:02 PM, said:
I like dirt bag one and the 4 stop signs.
Funny ones. I almost puked about the high sperm count though.... ewwww.
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'. While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", I muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
#6
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Posted 04 March 2004 - 02:26 PM
Pake, on Mar 4 2004, 03:10 PM, said:
I almost puked about the high sperm count though.... ewwww.
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Posted 04 March 2004 - 02:40 PM
Wanker2000, on Mar 4 2004, 02:26 PM, said:
That ... ahhh. should never be an issue for you... ahh dude... er.. I mean... I hope.. aahh. not...
Pregnancy = bad!
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'. While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", I muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
#8
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Posted 04 March 2004 - 02:44 PM
I meant for you to chew 
#9
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Posted 04 March 2004 - 04:15 PM
Wanker2000, on Mar 4 2004, 02:44 PM, said:
I meant for you to chew
So you should prolly swallow it now.
Cumblegum
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'. While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", I muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
#11
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Posted 04 March 2004 - 05:26 PM
what did kfc get in a dispute over that caused the name change?
;)
#12
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Posted 04 March 2004 - 05:36 PM
TheDeadlyCheese, on Mar 4 2004, 05:26 PM, said:
what did kfc get in a dispute over that caused the name change?
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'. While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", I muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
#13
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Posted 05 March 2004 - 01:49 PM
ANNUAL MEDICAL EXAMINATION
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together.
After examining the elderly man, the doctor then said "You appear to
be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to
ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first
time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her
the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything seems to be
fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why"?
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together.
After examining the elderly man, the doctor then said "You appear to
be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to
ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first
time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her
the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything seems to be
fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why"?
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"
#14
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Posted 30 March 2004 - 03:30 PM
To Be Six Again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn,
a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He learned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot . I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story . Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn,
a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He learned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot . I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story . Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
#15
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Posted 30 March 2004 - 03:41 PM
What Woman Want
A teacher asked her class,
"What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four animals."
The teacher asked,
"Really? And what four animals would that be?"
The little girl replied,
"a Mink on my back,a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in my bed, and a Jackass to pay for it all." The teacher fainted.
A teacher asked her class,
"What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four animals."
The teacher asked,
"Really? And what four animals would that be?"
The little girl replied,
"a Mink on my back,a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in my bed, and a Jackass to pay for it all." The teacher fainted.
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